Like my time in LA, I'm cutting this short.

And am again writing at my old blog address, here.

Thanks for reading.

Facebook is quite the invention.

Don't you think? I spend hours looking at it, and it makes me so sad. It's a pathetic replacement for friendships and what it means to connect with people.

It's interesting how much time each one of us spends on it. It demonstrates what we yearn. Acceptance, love, and connection. Acceptance in the form of likes, love in the form of messages, comments, and tags and connection in the form newsfeed. One day I was having dinner with my roommate and brother from college, while we hadn't seen each other for a good minute, we recounted and spoke of each others life's happenings and listened as if we were present. Facebook and Instagram enabled us to connect while cities apart.

Strange. I leave tomorrow morning for Baltimore so I'm nervously typing away into the night.

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To love all the pieces of me, will probably take a lifetime.
But that's okay, I'm in it for the ride.
Taking the opportunity to reach into the depths.
Guess I'll leap.

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Life's fuckin' tough.

The other day my coworker was talking about how in our lives we have pillars that keep us sane. Pillars include Family, Significant other, Home, Work (stability), etc. When those pillars are broken they cause us to be unstable.

Lately violence has been really hitting me hard in the face. Fortunately figuratively. This past month I experienced violence on a level never before imagined right next door in my neighborhood. I hope the young boy in the middle of it all finds peace in heaven. It's stirred a level of vulnerability I am not sure how to deal with.

My immediate instinct to worry. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about whether you like me. I worry about whether things will disrupt my future. I worry about grades. I worry about your happiness. I worry about whether you feel comfortable. All I do is worry and because of the trauma that happened to me, this worrying is heightened to a level that is distracting me from my ability to focus on my daily tasks. I worry for what it means for me to be involved. For it to happen so close to me and for me to have heard what I heard. A sense of panic and sadness overcomes me. Why me? Why did it happen to me?

I immediately focus on the things that are out of my control. I want to control the uncontrollable and I feel helpless. I just don't know what it means. I worry worry worry when really I have nothing to worry about at the present time.  I feel panic. If it comes it comes, if it happens it happens. I must prepare myself mentally to be ready for what is to come and it's just so hard because I don't know what's going to happen. I just keep thinking of the worst case scenario which includes me dropping out of grad school and being in a tremendous amount of debt with all my hard hard work going down the drain, my future in pieces.

Of course this is most likely not to happen. It's the worst case scenario and my mind immediately focuses on it. I am safe and alive - that's what's really important. I have people who love me, who tell me they love me, and I am supported, fed, and protected. I was so lucky and fortunate that I was not injured or hurt. It's been really really really hard trying to deal with it all.

This makes my breakup in April even more difficult. I think about him constantly and it is perhaps because he was such a crucial pillar in my life and then suddenly he's gone. His texts, his skype, his calls are just gone. I've thought numerous times that I want to contact him to hear his comforting voice, for him to care, love and protect me during my vulnerability.

On top of this, I am moving to Baltimore for an intense graduate school program. Where I will be without my pillars, where I will be in a new place with new people with new everything.

Whew. LIFE. Honestly.
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Focus on the beauty.

Values to remember.

1. Relationships/Friendships
2. Learning/Asking Questions
3. Seizing Opportunities
4. Crossing Boundaries
5. Exploration
6. Creativity
7. Sharing & Growth
8. Love & Warmth
7. Care & Thoughtfulness.

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Do something out of the ordinary
Do something different
Do something you are scared of
Do something, today.

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birthdays, friends/visiting gifts, disco ball, googly eyes, shoe photos, family stories.

Keeping the idealism alive.

Sometimes that's all I have to survive.

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Tapping into my spirit to keep me uplifted. My wandering loving oh so big free spirit. The one that makes people smile and think that creativity still exists. The one that is imaginative, dreamy, and expansive.The one that is connected to my homeland, the one connected to the scattered colored memories of my grandfather, the one in which genuine laughter sticks to.

I have to not let the Ugly overwhelm me, only remind me.

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I'm a good writer, I promise. When I was young my first dream job was to be a "story writer" I liked how I could write a story and people liked it.

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Maybe I should tell a story using fabric and abstract symbols to represent what I want to say.

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Don't be scared of your feelings, your thoughts, and whatever not.

The patterns I miss dearly.

Thoughts/Complaints on a Sunday.

Facebook status updates makes me feel uneasy about society and the direction we are going.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just be like "fuck it" and be upset (But that's sorta useless). Or try to remain calm and just be. Maybe those things are not necessarily separate from one another.

Don't be afraid, just be yourself.

I'm sick of life's sayings and photos on facebook that try to make me feel better about the haphazard nature of life. I'm also sick of seeing people post things on facebook to try to make them feel better about life. I post things on facebook that try to make me feel better about it.

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What are the solutions?

What are the solutions to the problems?

What are the problems?

What are the problems that need solutions?

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My brain is sorta boggling over what is going to happen in the next year or so. How "Up in the Air" it feels. Working hard is important. Trying is important. And articulating yourself and putting yourself out there is also important. Having a strong sense of self and confidence is also muy importante. This is not a time to be complacent. Is there ever a time to be complacent? I feel a bit bombarded by the world I live in. The Push and Pull of values that I don't really feel are necessary but then suddenly are. It's difficult because when you are surrounded by people who find those values to be important or a vital part of life, you can't help but fall into it to. 

What are your values?

It's okay to not know. The flow is a bit funky and things don't make complete sense. Perhaps because life is a little bit more conscious. I don't think it is more complicated - it is the same as it always has been. 

What a funny feeling I have.

I feel tired many times, fatigued maybe, thoughts and worry consume me and I don't know how to get rid of it. I'll be okay, but money worries me. My heart misses him but I know I am headed in the direction I want to head. I could however be messy or I can be controlled.

Controlled and secretly messy. Messy on the inside, controlled on the outside. Never just messy.

I just have to pick myself up on my feet and not let things get me down. I wish I didn't feel so whooooooooa with things I do or things that I need to do or am going to do.

Maybe I just need to hop on a plane and look at the infinite sky. It feels okay to miss the infinite sky, the rolling green rice fields, the sweeping rivers, the movements. To miss those things never really feels painful. Perhaps it's because I know it will return to me one day. Perhaps it's because what you remember are the beauty of those moments and nothing more. Maybe that's what love is and should be. It was worth it. Whatever worth really means, in these little lives of ours.

For however long I can remember I have wanted to move to the East Coast. It was a place I have yet to conquer, a place I have yet to be and live in. I'm excited for this move, and like all major things that I do, I do it from my well-thought-out-cautious-but-brave-gut of mine. The reason why I want to pursue this degree is because I want to see all the shapes, patterns and colors of the world and be paid. Honest talk. That's about it. I know there is so so much to the world that I have yet to see and interact with on a deeper level. I am urked by Los Angeles because ultimately this is what I will call home. I feel restless here because I want to see more. I grew up so much being away. Being back meant a whole lotta adjusting and dealing with issues I've always had and the battle I have with home.  I can say I don't like Los Angeles but I think it's something deeper than that. I can say that I hate the traffic, the pollution, the way people schedule everything and are always busy, and the lack of meaningful heartfelt interaction because they don't have a strong sense of self. They are battling it out with the city too and Los Angeles and Southern California will be the qualm I have with myself because ultimately it is who I am.

See you soon East Coast.

Time to frame my world.

Something I wrote a whiles back:

It is difficult to make sense of the world that we live in. At any given time or day many things are happening and depending on what our brain cells chooses to focus on, that may or may not consume us for that second, minute, hour or day.

Structure gives people a sense of purpose. Uncertainty can be a beautiful thing if you let it be. If you embrace uncertainty as something that is a part of your life, than it can be purposeful. Purposeful uncertainty.

Silly that our minds think like this – when we encounter something that is difficult in our lives we label it as a “crisis.” Midlife crisis, quarter life crisis, blah blah blah. But with the movement of how our society functions, the definition of what is acceptable and what is appropriate shifts.  I feel that we are in a digital human crisis. Comfortably, our society in America has made its move into the digital age. Devices are replacing our lived companions and friendships. They have replaced the need for conversation over phones, the need for the sound of voices. Someone said, “people are talking to the air.”

I find it interesting when people take things so seriously. Perhaps, this is my problem. I have always been the person to zone out when people begin to argue their point or perspective or when they give an adamant opinion. Solid, fact, what is right has never really been real to me because life moves on and we move forward no matter what. This is my problem – I embrace the fleetingness of life so much that I’m not very good at taking things in presently.

I feel uncomfortable in L.A. There is something I don’t quiet get yet, and I don’t know what it is exactly, but it’s that I don’t get it.

One of my favorite things to do is to observe the patterns of life. I don’t really like to talk, I don’t even really like to create original things. I like reorganizing old things. I like absorbing things. I like taking what is there and making into something else. I also really like telling other people’s stories. I like learning other people’s story.

I wonder if my joy lies in the arts and crafts.

Ponderings of a girl too tired at 10:31 pm.

I like set tools and things to make things. I enjoy some sorta of flexible structure, guidance, and in particular genuine warmth. This is what I look for in my tasks.

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I fell in love, NOW WHAT?! (I told you I would, didn't I?)
I also told you that I would move to the east coast, didn't I? And that I would not come back to Los Angeles for a very long time, didn't I? I told you so, so why do you doubt?

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For once I've decided that's it's okay to freak out and to embrace my anxiousness with life and enjoy myself and express it as it is. If you are fucking annoying I'm going to feel that you are annoying and not feel bad about it. If you are amazing then I'm going to feel you are amazing and try to tell you.

I ate with a plate.

When I was younger, came dinner time, I scooped rice for my parents and my brother (sometimes I didn't). All three would get a rice bowl. For Daddy, I scooped him lots of rice - overflowing the brim. For Mama I filled her's with half - she didn't like much rice. For my brother, something normal. For myself, it was always a bit more than Mama and less than Daddy.  I ate with a plate. I wanted to be different and at the dinner table this was a way for me to be a bit creative with what I had. I was the only family member whose table setting hell, what am I talking about? Who grabbed a spoon from the draw in addition to my chopsticks. I always felt that a spoon did it's job for me in scooping the right amount of rice when I wanted.

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I cry when I am alone for too long. I think about you in many instances. I stop myself from sending you things and pictures as I have for the past year. Souplantation buy 1 get 1 free coupon. Ciclavia and me biking to the beach (the last time I biked was with you). So many things I want to share but can't. I hope to one day be able to again - soon. I've been trying to muster up the courage to write to you with pen and paper but I get emotional. I wish I was as brave as you in this way.

Cheer up, there are plenty of beautiful things to see.

Time to focus and be clear again. Maybe tell a story or two and not let the world and work get to me. Less than two months left in Los Angeles.

To my dearest friends near and far.

I just wanted to say that I missed you. I have this theory that if I think about a distant friend or they happened to come about my thoughts in a day... then that friend would hear me and respond to me in some shape or form.

I just watched this movie called "As Good as it Gets." For some strange reason, as awkward as the film was, I really liked the character's simple intense dialogues with one another. Each dialogue revealing something about their inner self. There were also themes of Good and Bad (or the Ugly as I call it) and how each character battles it out with these two forces within them.

I miss my friends because they bring out the good in me and for quite sometime I have been feeling rather stagnant about this city that I live in. There is something so isolating and windowless about it. My current surroundings are not conducive to my creativity and potential. How unfortunate.

I have also been a bit overwhelmed at the world as of late. The things that are going on, the forces that swirl all around me, the big changes that are about to happen. I feel disappointment and anger towards people. So much so that I feel a great sense of unease in myself. I wonder when it will go away. Will I see the good again?

I said goodbye to a very dear friend and love recently. It was very hard for me and remains so. What do you do when a person you talked to almost every day for the last year is suddenly not there to talk to you anymore? Sometimes I really just don't understand the things the world throws at me. Sometimes I feel that it is a bit too much. At the same time I am extremely happy and lucky to have crossed paths with him and to let him in my life like I did. It was him who helped me trust again. For that, I could never be unhappy about it. Through streams of tears I faintly told him that I loved him. I hope he heard.

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I got a stain on my shirt that I like.

I could of been mad about it. I have had this shirt from the Gap for years. Instead, I embraced the stain, the memories that are with the shirt, how great I felt in it when I wore it with the right combo.

Then I let the shirt go because I would not be able to relive it like that again with that stain.

Going to take myself less seriously,

after my strange bout of sadness for the last few days. Just need to laugh, make jokes out of my life mishappenings, and move on with it.

Exit Fremont.

The other day I exited Fremont Ave. off the 10 freeway. This exit seemed really familiar to me and I wasn't sure why. I had my meeting and afterwards needed to drive to a high school for another meeting.  I went back onto Fremont and made a left onto Mission Ave.

Then I saw it. The storage unit place to the left, the brick buildings to the left and right, the black fences and the cement walls that covered the L.A. River. I knew where I was. At that intersection if I had made a left, I would find my aunt's former sewing factory. It was a place that I frequented, not really understanding what it meant. I knew if I had arrived at the factory I could run into her office pass the people doing something meticulous with their hands, probably placing tags on finished clothing. I would stare at the sign that said "No one under 18 allowed by law" and wondered if I had broken some rule. I knew that if I ran around through the big boxes, piles of clothes yet assembled, the smell of plastic and clothes unworn hovered around the desire to support a family - that new smell. That smell was so distinctive that if I were to dive into one of those bags I would get a huge wiff of it.  I thought it was fun to do, sorta like a ball pit, but different. I stare at the bag and see another warning about suffocation. So many rules and warnings that I felt did not apply to me. So many things that I felt did not apply to this little Vietnamese Chinese girl who happened to be born in America.

Down Mission Blvd. I went...

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The other day I had a conversation with a very talkative former CEO of a community organization. He said that sometimes you have to share your background, talk about yourself, which is something I grapple with daily.

I suppose this is the process of being human, sharing your life with others, your experiences. I've always disliked and liked talkative people. Lately, I've become nervous sharing about myself to others. It's like I went to go hide in my shell to apply for grad school and not deal with the fact that L.A. is a new place for me where I have limited support.

Funny you know.

I have all the things that I didn't have in Vietnam. A macbook air, a samsung galaxy III, a ukelele, a record player, so many things. But the one thing I don't have is close friends, that is difficult to come by. =(

Focusing on doing things that feed my soul. Must do things in life that feed my soul. This period in L.A. has really been a transition period for me, one that is filled with meaning and finding. I know what I don't want, and I sorta know what I want so I'll head in that direction despite having to leave things and say goodbye.

I once wrote beautifully.

I wonder what happened.

25

Around this time last year I had just moved to L.A. for two weeks. I feel like my life has been paused. There is something that I am not realizing. The fact that I should dress and be who I want to be, not be so scared of creepy men, and just BE for god fuck sake and look good while doing it. I'm not going to look like this ever again.

Out of sheer nuttiness and brevity of our existence.

I vow to wear my funny hats, dress with lots of color, and perhaps even start sticking googly eyes on things.

What do I want to shift within myself?

As I approach this new year with grad school and moving to a new place with the chance to "start over" again, I will do the following:

Be open to hurt and make friends. Honestly I really need to suck up this "insecurity" bullshit that I do. I need to stop wishing and hoping that people will like me A LOT. People will like me, people will want to spend time, and people can't fucking read your mind!

Add people to facebook, call them, invite them to lunch and hangouts, make them feel like you want them in your life. I am terrible at this. And as my friend Sally said to me the other day "You really want people to like you"

What a crippling weakness of mine. I need to learn that not everyone will like me and that will be okay. Not everyone will like me the same way either or express it. Making friends in the adult world is not an easy task, it requires effort, coordination, openness and being non-judgemental and letting people make mistakes.

Organizing my passions.

Hard thing to do when you realize that life inevitably happens.

Sending positive vibes to myself for the new year. I'm tired to finding quotes to understand my life. Would it be alright that I did not understand it at all? Yes.

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I must understand that he doesn't know the answer either.

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It's so hard to make friends in such a big city where people already have their lives. I was never the type to put myself out there to make the first move to be friends with someone. You would think this would be a really simple human thing to do.

Maybe I just need to relax, just do what I love and then everything will follow suite.

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I love to see and observe. Observing the patterns of people's mistakes, quirks and cute ticks makes me happy. I do not do a good job of relaying this passion of seeing and observing. It's very much of an internal thing I do with myself.

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Last night in the dark hallway the looming red glow of my ancestors reminded me.

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My mom the other day told me that Chinese people in Vietnam are called Người tàu which literally translates to: "Boat People" because Chinese people arrived to Vietnam by boat!
Mind blown.

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Some ideas: Mixing transnational cultural identity, the going back and forth between understanding what home is, 
art and music and my adventures/haphazardness, what it's like to work with different cultures, the messy work of 
cultural relevancy blah blah blah. 

When love is calm.

Do not mix comfort with stillness.

When love is calm it feels just 

right.

At that precise moment two lovers are 

          smiling at the fact that

                      their existence suddenly          
                          matters                 

 to another being.  

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I've been having hard lessons in what it feels like to be a grown up and deal with your own shit. It hit me in the face very suddenly in the past few months and I'm trying to deal with it. Perhaps I'm just learning to live with it.

Not a kid no mo'

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basta kasama ka, nakauwi na

As long as I am with you, I am home.

Whew.

Life's been getting the best of me lately. I haven't really been able to catch my breath per say but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing much and can be doing more. I am understanding that there will be no time for breathing. So right now I need to soak things in as they go, have a good rest and sleep at night, and just enjoy what is presently in front of me. My relationship with my boyfriend has made me realize that I have so many things to overcome and face. I still have much to learn. I trust him and he has a huge heart, I wish I was a better person towards him and communicated better. Better, what a funny word. Trust is a big deal to me. I don't trust people easily, like really trust them or perhaps trust myself with them, especially men.

Lately, things, the simple things feel really tough to do. I've been complaining that being an adult is tough. By simple things, I mean cooking and cleaning up after myself. Worrying or thinking about money. Those simple things that I didn't really have to think of before. Things like my future. When I was in Vietnam time seemed a bit suspended, or less finite. It floated and I floated with it, just as the people did. Here everything is timed. Our work is timed. Our life goals are timed. Everything is timed to a calendar, an hour, and even seconds.

I can now do push ups. I could not do them before, and last week my trainer had us do 8 push ups or so and I trucked through them. I paused and stopped but I did them. Perhaps it was because I now understood the correct way to do push ups. I have been working out once a week since late last year and I really enjoy it. I don't regret doing it although I feel sore for a day or two - it feels good and makes me feel good.

Will. My will to do things is being tested quite much. My will to love, my will to accomplish things, my will to excel, and my will to advance myself and move forward into another direction. I feel that my will is very much tested. In the end I know it will be worth it. In the end, it won't really matter any more because it's the end.

I wish I had more energy to do things. Perhaps it's because I've been running on whatever little energy I have, instead of building who I am on the inside - I've been doing lots of external things. External stimulus. When I get home I do myself worse by looking at facebook for hours and trying to engage my mind into mindless stimuli that is status updates that show off how great other people's lives are, articles about horrible things that are going on in the world, and tv shows that remove me from my present time and into a world of unshakable comrade.

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Recently my friend had a baby, another friend dealt with death, another was sad because they did not like where they lived, another was thinking about career changes, another added on an additional degree, another this and another that and another.

I wonder if growing up means that your brain is fully developed and you understand the world in a different context. No longer am I that fresh-eyed early 20's youthful something but instead I feel like a seasoned mid-20's gal who now needs to make decisions and pay for things and take care of myself myself.

What fills your heart?

What makes you feel full? What makes you feel overly satisfied? What makes you go "mmmm"? What makes you feel warm? What makes you feel giddy? What makes you feel nervous? What makes you feel excited? What makes you feel?

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Sometimes I stare at him and wonder if I can ever truly love. Then I begin to wonder if love is something that is innate or something that is built. Such a fleeting imaginary or real thing that we talk about or want to feel at all times. We cry because of love. We laugh because of love. And we do and feel all these crazy things for whatever the fuck love is. The first letter of that three word sentence is I.

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What is going on?

Too tired to think.

I can be creative with the tools provided for me.

I've learned a few things about myself in the last 25 years. I have halfway through my quarter century year, you would think I would.

Slowly becoming clearer.

"I'm getting older every day,

but everything still feels new."

Truth from a good friend of mine.

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Trying to wrap my brain around this.

Life is still going on as it did when I first arrived on earth. What is shifting is my understanding of it and how I interact with the world.