What a funny feeling I have.

I feel tired many times, fatigued maybe, thoughts and worry consume me and I don't know how to get rid of it. I'll be okay, but money worries me. My heart misses him but I know I am headed in the direction I want to head. I could however be messy or I can be controlled.

Controlled and secretly messy. Messy on the inside, controlled on the outside. Never just messy.

I just have to pick myself up on my feet and not let things get me down. I wish I didn't feel so whooooooooa with things I do or things that I need to do or am going to do.

Maybe I just need to hop on a plane and look at the infinite sky. It feels okay to miss the infinite sky, the rolling green rice fields, the sweeping rivers, the movements. To miss those things never really feels painful. Perhaps it's because I know it will return to me one day. Perhaps it's because what you remember are the beauty of those moments and nothing more. Maybe that's what love is and should be. It was worth it. Whatever worth really means, in these little lives of ours.

For however long I can remember I have wanted to move to the East Coast. It was a place I have yet to conquer, a place I have yet to be and live in. I'm excited for this move, and like all major things that I do, I do it from my well-thought-out-cautious-but-brave-gut of mine. The reason why I want to pursue this degree is because I want to see all the shapes, patterns and colors of the world and be paid. Honest talk. That's about it. I know there is so so much to the world that I have yet to see and interact with on a deeper level. I am urked by Los Angeles because ultimately this is what I will call home. I feel restless here because I want to see more. I grew up so much being away. Being back meant a whole lotta adjusting and dealing with issues I've always had and the battle I have with home.  I can say I don't like Los Angeles but I think it's something deeper than that. I can say that I hate the traffic, the pollution, the way people schedule everything and are always busy, and the lack of meaningful heartfelt interaction because they don't have a strong sense of self. They are battling it out with the city too and Los Angeles and Southern California will be the qualm I have with myself because ultimately it is who I am.

See you soon East Coast.