The Goodness.

The Goodness. The Goodness. The Goodness. The Goodness. The Goodness.



My goodness.

Motivation is a funny thing.

Comes out of nowhere sometimes!

Sometimes I itch to see the world.

Then I calm down and realize that there is a whole world outside my door. It is up to me to make the most of it, to feel it, and to absorb it for what it is.

What a mountain it's been.

Really don't know how to catch my breath or think or whatevers.

Ain't ever listen to anybody.

But myself.

Listening to colors.

This year many things happened to me. And I didn't realize it until I wrote it down. It's been really stressful, one full of transition personally and professionally and literally. Let's see:

Got a new laptop
Got new glasses
Got new phone
Got me a boyfriend (!)
Saw Metric (Twice)
Saw Zee Avi
Saw the L.A. River, Griffith Park
Visited Disneyland and California Adventure (for the first time!)
Visited the East Coast - 5 cities: D.C., Chicago, Baltimore, New York, Boston
Went to two music festivals
Saw Alabama Shakes
Bike ride around L.A.
Saw Charlyne Yi
Got a new job
Found an apartment
Jogged 4 miles
Workout with a trainer
Get eyebrows threaded
Moved to a new city
Applied to graduate school
Went to a hospital
Ran a parent program in SGV and LHS
Hiked to the Hollywood sign
Learned the magic of Happy Hour
Built a bookshelf
Discovered Little Tokyo

...TBA if the world doesn't end.

In a battle with myself.

Honestly, I get so tired of it.

#notabigdeal
Relax jeez.

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I figured out how to make my plant grow and not die anymore, it's called frequent watering. It wasn't more sun.  Go figure.

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Recently I adventured into the world of social media with my new devil soul sucking nifty phone. It makes my hands itch. The constant validation from likes is so fleeting but feels good. Hey look at my life through vintage lens! It's so great! I'm just bored out of my mind and this gives context and meaning to my life!

This is hard for me to cope with, especially when this is a way that everyone in America communicates. Surprise it not! There are parts of the world that don't do this - they don't take pictures of everything in their life, in fact, they don't even comment, or have facebook. These are the parts of the world I'd rather see than to spend my time posting things to be liked by others. But alas, SIGH, I am here in California, looking, swiping at an electronic device asking for validation from others instead of working on myself to gain real painful vulnerable validation from others. Social media will not make your soul grow - make note of that. It will allow you to share things and ideas with others in your life, which is a perk. People were telling me to post pictures, people were telling me to add instagram, people were happy that I was back on facebook. It's SO strange. What the fuck are we doing?

Books will make your soul grow. Music will. Love will. Laughing will. Conversations. Taking care of yourself. Sleeping. Making friends. Doing things for people. Hanging out with family. That will make your soul grow. And in this long life of ours, we have so much room and opportunities to make our soul grow, we just don't take advantage of it enough.

At the same time, I also say "Fuck it, stop thinking, be and live!"

GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

A few months ago I adventured into the land of applying for grad school applications. It's slowly coming to a close, as I have about two more left to do. I've come to the sad, very sad realization that I will leave Los Angeles soon. I probably have about 6 months or so left of Los Angeles and I already feel my heart hurt a bit. Finally I have time to think, finally I have time to write, finally I don't have that huge stress on my shoulders anymore. Pretty overwhelming to suddenly have this sense of freedom. I'm back at square one, it feels like. Finally I get to go back to those things that I was working on before grad school applications, and try to work on them again.

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Trying to capture my life in an organized meaningful way.

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What makes you happy?
How do you overcome challenges to continue your pursuit of happiness?
How do you embrace those challenges as part of the happiness that comes into your life? 

The spirits flow.

I wonder if this is what happens when your brain has reached adulthood. When it has "fully" developed so to speak. Suddenly life is no longer as unstable and out of reach because your brain isn't developing per say.

Most things in life are tough.

 But the rewards are pretty sweet.

--

Uncertainty can sadden one at times.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Because I cannot see clearly anymore.

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He asked me why I kept looking at him. I spent the last 6 months or so getting to know him... of course, I should know what he looks like. I suppose it was because I wasn't sure if he was real, so I decided to stare at him a bit longer than usual to see what he was.

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Do you ever get this feeling that you have no idea what you are doing?

What is.

is is is is is is is is is is is is.

Treat yo' self.

I will be doing that this weekend. One app down!

Advances in technology scares me.

Blogging via my smartphone. How interesting.

Thoughts on a Sunday.

I've got lots of growing up to do.

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Somewhere along the recent threads of life, I met a person who looks down just like me. I enjoy his company very much.

I suppose the Universe heard me. 

Footsteps along the way.

I've just realized:

I still got a lot of growing up to do.

Where is the fun?

Right over there.

Riding the waves of life.

 What this means is that I make time for people.

What does this all mean?

Asks the sun.

Thank God for blogs.

Or else no one would ever hear me.

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I perused this article today. It talks about how people on this particular island live to see a century. I wonder if I will die young because of Los Angeles or because of the cities I choose to live in. Long Xuyen was so peaceful, it's something you won't really understand until you live in a place where time isn't really a nuisance. Wait until you experience what it means to ride on a motorbike past the lush green almost silk like aura of rice paddies. It will overwhelm you, not in a bad way - it will overwhelm you the way a kiss lingers. It will calm you because it reminds you that life ain't that bad when things seem so green.

I skyped with one of my favorite people in the world the other day, chi Thao from Vietnam. She was in Singapore as her spirit carries her, sitting in a room drawing pictures of lotuses for an art crafts project. What I would do to be there. I tell her about my stress over school, my love life, and laugh at the idea she is trapped in the room because she is allergic to the cat outside. She says "if you go back to school, that means we won't see you for a long time isn't it?" In my broken English I try to tell her the reason why I am going back to school is so that I can return to work in Vietnam - but I fail miserably. I somehow manage to tell her the school allows us to work in the country we want to work in and that I want to study health and human trafficking. I try. I'm surprised that I understand everything she is saying to me, seeing that I haven't spoken Vietnamese in a while. It comes out naturally just as the conversation does.

Learned Lesson #32490239043

Just because it exists, doesn't mean you need it.

Splurts of thought.

Lately I've been having a flurry of thoughts the minute I wake up to the minute I daze off into a glaze of dreams. I guess this is what happens when you are no longer a child and your mind is at the height of its development and thought. If I don't constantly push myself to learn new things, to adapt, to get out of my comfort zone my dreams will harden. I already can't see for my life depended on it. I interact with people who I can tell they are in this little bubble of familiarity. Having never left it, they react in negative ways to new things. I know that I can't be here forever because it doesn't challenge me quiet the same as I was abroad. Yeah, probably in a few years I'll tell you something completely different.
Yeah, probably in a few months I'll be a different person. Ride the waves of mistakes, heartbreaks, and shakes because that's all you'll ever get.

So if I asked you about art you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that.....If I asked you about women you'd probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, and you'd probably--uh--throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love y'probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone could level you with her eyes. Feeling like! God put an angel on earth just for you...who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it’s like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sittin’ up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you; I don't see an intelligent, confident man; I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine and you ripped my fuckin' life apart. You're an orphan right? Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you, sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

-Good Will Hunting

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LIFE'S SO FUN AIN'T IT?

Learned lesson #4329813

No one has a clue.

Perhaps I remind him of home.

When time becomes something that is quantifiable, it changes things. Have you ever lived in a place where time didn't matter? Instead time is seen in the form of light, heat and the seasons. Time isn't a number, an hour, a minute. Instead time flows and it wanders, you wander with it. When time wanders it no longer becomes a burden. It no longer stresses the human spirit to become or accomplish.

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Sometimes I think that people have a thread that comes out of them. It weaves and traps them when they become stressed or sad. They become consumed by the thread. When the person is moving or happy, the thread moves forward and reaches new heights. When they fall in love their thread weaves with another person. When hardened their thread no longer moves with the same fluidity as it used to.

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Well done.

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What matters is matter is matter is matter.

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"No offense" Someone said that to me a few weeks ago. At first I was taken a little aback, but then at the end I thought it was a really refreshing comment, for someone to disagree with me directly is a hard task to do and something I haven't encountered in a while.

Colored tasks.

If you take a slice of life, somewhere in the fabric of insecurities, misfortunes, and mistakes, you will find that in every single point in time we humans are trying to understand what is going on around us. At any given time, we ponder, feel and attempt to understand. The unexplainable for instance. We talk about it all the time, hear it on the news, see it through the gossiping lips of others. The unexplainable from that weird outfit that a person is wearing to a person behaving like an asshole. With the assumption that normal is normal, anything that differs from the norm fascinates us and captures us in different ways. There are those that try and try to be different, to be different is their normal. Lately, I've been fixated with the idea that nothing is finite, that people's opinions are based on arbitrary circumstances and that what is in front of me is not necessarily what is in front of me. I assume that this causes others to see me a bit floaty, perhaps quiet or timid, unable to grasp concrete facts - however, I'd like to think that it's not necessarily a fault, but more so a talent if you will.

Sometimes I talk to people and I think they're idiots but this is very rare. Idiots because they are mean-spirited, because the goodness in them is not really there. Or perhaps I think they're idiots because I feel unable to connect with them, get along with them, or click with them. That's probably more like it. I've come to terms that I won't be friends with everyone and won't stress out trying to be friends with everyone. I am very content with the people I have met and look forward to the many connections I will make in my lifetime.

The flow of things.

I've been on panic mode for about a month now but whatever. Appropriately, I decided to travel to 5 cities in little over 10 days. I visited many people along the way, who graciously opened their homes to me.  I was on a whirlwind of bus rides, subway rides, plane rides, taxi rides, and car rides. I completely forgot to take any photos in Boston.

Chicago:

Many people say that they "love" Chicago after going there. I love Chicago. I had really good company while there, a chill time with folks, walking and wandering around Chinatown reading the grammatically incorrect or overzealous proclamations of greatness on the signs of Chinese Zodiac statues (apparently "dragons are awesome"). I learned that rent was super cheap there, there were cool coffee shops, and strangers talk to you in the most genuine way possible. My kind of city.

Here is something I wrote while I was there:

The other day while on the “L” with my friend Patricia I began talking about the expansiveness of the Universe with her. I interjected our earthly rickety subway conversation with random excitement as I remembered a fascinating fact that I read in a book by one of my favorite authors “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson. I’m still in the midst of reading it, but in a nutshell the book breaks down science and explores the beauty of our existence with it. In order to have the reader understand the expansiveness of the universe, Bryson demonstrates the distance between Jupiter and Pluto from one another through this analogy. If Jupiter were approximately the size of a period on this page and Pluto the size of a molecule, then Jupiter and Pluto would still be 35 feet away from each other.

Later that night, we headed to a show called Radiolab at the Chicago Theatre. When you walk into the Chicago Theatre your attention is immediately called to the grandiose fixtures and architecture of the building. Walking up the well-worn burgundy stairs curving to the left and right, we found our seats. It’s one of those “Whoa, I just walked into the Coliseum” sort of feelings. It’s a surprise because the lobby is so tiny compared to this expansive space that lies deep within. Thao Nguyen was also the band to the show to my delight. We were trying to think of what to eat.

I sorta want wontons

Wan tan mi sounds good right now.

YES!

I love those moments where your palette feels immensely satisfied from food suggestions. We headed towards Chinatown. My mama did tell me to visit Chinatown. 

I LOVE THIS BEAN.

New York:

People say New York is "crazy." The crazy thing was New York was anything but that. This is probably what happens when you lived in a city or two, and the idea of "crazy" no longer stems from how a city functions different from the city you live in. I'm more interested in the culture of things and how people behave and interact with one another. With New York I took in the little things, the way people and the city seem to pulsate together without a second thought. Sorta like blood cells running through the veins. Doors open, people step in. Side walks crack, people walk over it. Subway is late, people wait. Things seem reliant on the city. The first thing I noticed though was people talked and interacted with each other. I guess this comes with being a guest to a city rather an inhabitant. My feet fucking hurt by the time I was done with New York, but I came out of it with some tough feet I tell you. I'm proud of my worn calluses (tmi I know). People are really nice in NY though - anytime I asked for directions I got a smile and maybe even a sentence or two. I sorta felt comfortable in New York after 4 days - something that I was uncomfortable with. 

Ed Cohen picks me up!

Pacific Links Foundation reunion

Sittin' on the steps of Brooklyn.

Hangin' out in ktown with NY kids.

IPPUDO in East Village with all friends

Waiting for the subway, across from Michelle and Tam.

Frantically running with my luggage to catch a bus, I notice that I am passing by the Empire State Building.

Across the water

Donna Choi

First times: in a convertible, in NY. 

Boston:

I literally spent half a day in Boston and took no pictures. I got off the bus at South Station took the subway to Harvard School of Public Health, spoke with admissions and got a great mini-tour, spoke with the Global Health and Population Department, sat in on a class, sat in the cafeteria trying to look like a student "studying" while waiting for my friend Tam, took the bus to her apartment, relaxed and chit chatted with her about public health, knocked out at 11 pm, then woke up hella early to catch the subway to the plane to D.C.

D.C. & Baltimore:

D.C./ Baltimore was crazy. I arrived in D.C. at 1:00 pm, hoped on the subway to get to Union Station and rushed unnecessarily to catch the 2:00 pm bus to Baltimore. Had 30 minutes to spare. D.C. subway stations all look the same and have this futuristic dimness to them. When you are on the subway people are just shadows with the lighted backdrop - my favorite part of D.C. Baltimore was pretty sweet though, but most of it was spent at a music festival and recovering from the music festival. I also had a productive day at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg of Public Health where I was able to get a tour, talk to admissions and MPH program and catch a faculty member that I've been trying to speak to.

My short time in D.C. I got to see the amazing subways. Beautiful and dim lighting.

Public Health (Anne Chiang and I) + Aline Xayasouk

Baltimore, MD

Eating Baltimore food.

This trip really reminds me how much I love moving around from one place to another learning things about others and their way of life while learning a thing or two about myself. I am tired though, I'm happy to be back at home. I don't get to travel as much as I used to and perhaps that it's okay. Life feels pretty good. 

Eyes on the prize.

To imagine.
To see the world.
To feel compassion for people.
To see & understand the complexities.
To connect with others
To laugh. To feel tired. To go all out.
To love.
To create.
To give people your perceptions.
To share.
To teach others how to see & strive for the better
To use my privilege & knowledge to do so
To bask in the light
To be in a supportive space that nourishes my creativity.

Remembering the simple things.

Thanks Jeff. This makes me extremely happy.

Learned lesson #4329428

Life doesn't get easier, so don't expect it to.

Shifting noises.

Tell me that it's okay to be confused with what life throws at you. It tells me that I can find passion when I believe in who I am and when I have others that believe in who I am. This is what life is, and this is all it will ever be. That's why people will tell you it's not about the money, to enjoy life, and to make the most out of it - frankly being fixated on trying to find something that is not there will lead you into empty hallways. They will tell you to enjoy life because after years of trying to figure it out, after the so-called confusing 20's they realized they should of just enjoyed it. The 20's being stressful is a ridiculous matter. Why am I stressed? If anything I have very little to be stressed about. I'm youthful, smart, and can travel the world. What should I really be stressed about? Be smart, save money, use it wisely, don't wear your heart on your sleeve, care for people, aim for something higher, and in the end everything will be alright.

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Balance and get things done. Be happy, laugh, and do what your heart wants. Lately, I've been tired. My friends notices it too. Lately I've been telling people that I'm stressed. When people ask me how I am, I want to tell them of all the great and fantastic things I did before they asked me that question. I want to have a positive outlook on life and connect with people in that way. This has always been a difficult task for me. To open up to people, be who I am at the core, and stay that way.

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Let's practice:

I was handed a pile of papers with penciled and penned names. The numbers started at 1, 2 and with each succeeding name we progressed towards the hundreds. The names were returned victims of human trafficking in the last year. Like many, seeing the penciled and penned names I had no face to them, no story, just a number next to their name. The number of trafficked victims were so high that they no longer can keep track of them, the piles of paper getting larger and larger.


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I can't wait for the challenges of balance, school, work, family, love and life that lay ahead of me.

When I blink it will all pass.

When I think of things that I like, things that have stirred my passions it has always been color and the ability to create things within a limited framework or given select tools to do so. I haven't quiet been able to find a platform to do this, but I continue to do so with my blog. I also sorta live it, so I'm able to do this when it when given the opportunity to do so. Very seldom though do I have people asking me to create things. I wonder how I can create a platform so that I can do it on the daily, so that it can be a lived experience for me and not something that I think about. I wonder how I can get good at creating. Creating is extremely difficult and unfortunately is often second to everything else that life throws at me.

What flows? How do you flow?

I want to be able to emanate goodness and let it flow through me. I feel tasked to see every color there is possible. And that is what I leave you with tonight.

Damn, I miss these people (and others)

Thanks for the heart filled weekend in San Jose. Couldn't ask for more.

Reading.

Intimacy in Latin means "without fear, an invitation into the innermost space." [source]

Thoughts on a Sunday.

Sometimes I wonder what's the difference between removed reality and lived reality. What is considered real? As our society progresses into a virtual world where our lived experiences become digital - the definition of "real" shifts. Is real something you can physically touch? Or is real something you feel and experience despite it not being physically present in your immediate space? Perhaps that is why I hold dear to film, vintage things, and what was.

Wise words for a long Tuesday.

"we have our gut instinct and bond with people because we want it to be there and appreciate it for whatever reason"

Throughout my week I think of many titles and then forget them.

In the words of my genius quote worthy cousin, "Life."

Her eyes veer straight ahead,
the winking breeze tells her 
to run the river.

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Lately I've been writing sad posts littered with confusion and a dazed tone highlighted by run-on sentences. How unfortunate. I was told by who knows what that knowledge is invaluable and something that cannot be taken away from you. Shared knowledge is even more valuable and as I pursue my studies I'm actually very excited for the challenge. I feel that I am at a very lucky stage in my life. I'm smart, remotely pretty, young, and well-traveled. Yeah, I'm insecure and have way too many fears to count but at the same time I have a strong sense of self and generally have my shit together for the most part. I'm creative and observant. The first adjective I know, the second one I learned while in Vietnam. I wonder what the next adjective will be. Three is nice.

On another note, I'm going to share my graduate school application process with you because it's a scary one and you know quiet frankly these grad school forums that I've been frantically reading are not so human. So here's to being human. Right now I am asking for letter of recommendations. It is like asking a boy or girl out on a date when you are not sure whether they will say yes or not. Seeing that I've never actually asked a boy out on a date - this process is shit scary and getting rejected is not fun. I've narrowed it down to four programs which excite me:

·      John Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health

MPH – Health in Crisis and Humanitarian Assistance 

·      Harvard University School of Public Health

SM Global Health and Population 

·      Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health

MPH Population and Family Health – Global Health Certificate 

·      Emory Rollins School of Public Health

MPH Global Health - Reproductive Health and Population Studies Concentration 

It's taken me hours of research and well over a year to narrow it down to these four. More so it took me hours of stress and mentally getting ready to choose programs. I don't want to go to any other school. I've also looked at the University of Washington in Seattle and George Washington University in D.C. but those don't have the type of global perspective that I'm looking for. I also considered UC Berkeley and UCLA but again those programs aren't strong in global health.

If this doesn't pan out - then I'll just find the next mountain to climb or perhaps purchase a one way ticket to somewhere.

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Ridiculous situations call for ridiculous solutions.

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I really love Sunday comic strips. I nostalgically recall flipping through all musty grey pages dotted with colored boxes and experiences that I had yet to have. I knew what each one centered around although I don't clearly remember the titles. I read the Peanuts because it was on the front page. There was this other political one below the peanuts that I always tried reading (last) but never understood. Non - sequitor because I knew what that word meant and I liked the girl in that strip. It runs top to bottom on the far right of the insert. I loved the ones focused on parenting because I had no kids. Dilbert was funny too and it always reminded me of Drew Carey. People were friends in Sunday comics and each week the characters returned to me exactly the way they were the week previous. Time moved slowly in comics. A new baby here, a toddler grown there, characters remained ageless. It was comforting to find them each week in their little boxes going about their little lives. That was life as I knew it.

Coconut grove is a very small cove.

One of my favorite things to do is to go to shows and concerts. This past unfriendly sweltering weekend I went to the FYF Festival in Los Angeles. After seeing a few bands that I liked or knew about, I wasn't really impressed after day 1. Day 2 however was a different story. With my back was sore, my knee hurt, and my eyes tired from the number of hawaiian shirts and misappropriated native american gear flashing before me, I decided to catch the last 20 minutes of The Faint's set. To my extreme delight they played two of my favorite songs off of their Danse Macrabre album which was burned on a scratched up cd from my friend Donny Rox in high school.

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Perhaps quoting indie lyrics is me returning to my old self. I also just bought an exacto knife kit which I am very excited about. Can't wait to make stuff for people and surprise them through the mail.

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Along the waves of shifting moments will emerge an everlasting presence of understanding. 

Believe in yourself.

Yesterday, to be exact, I started freaking out about my graduate school applications (before I even started) and began to have a huge feeling of doubt. My grades aren't that great. My GRE scores are alright, I don't have a good professor letter of rec, and ultimately the biggest statement of doubt, "I feel stupid."

I freaked out, wished someone was there to hug me and believe in me (although even with that I know won't really do much good in the long run), and then sat up in my bed and got a tissue because I needed to calm down.  Then I remembered the young girls that I met in Vietnam that didn't believe in themselves, and I thought to myself how silly of me to think the same thing. How easy it was for me to think the same thing, and after all, I've graduated from a top University, was Salutatorian of my high school, have a full time job in Los Angeles, and lastly, live in America. Ridiculous how doubt can consume a person and make me think that I'm not capable of or that my existence sucks. I'm not saying this feeling isn't within me still, grad school is a scary process. One that I avoided last year because I wanted to focus on finding a job. Another day, another monster.

At the end of September I will get the opportunity to go to Chicago to speak at my work's Affiliate conference called the "Advancing Justice Conference." Afterwards I will travel to New York, Boston, Washington D.C. and Baltimore.

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With my book shelf up and my desk in useful condition, I've settled into my room quiet nicely and it's now comfortable - for the most part.

Womp.

On another note I paid for trafficking ticket that was well over $500 yesterday. That hurt. It was because I decided to gun a yellow while it was turning red - as a result I pretty much ran a red and a police man was right there to catch me. I was a block away from work.

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I think the spirits or Universe are on my side. I've been doing lots of grad school research but have had the help of wonderful people who are willing to give me advice, some who I haven't even had the chance to meet in person yet. I think I'm going in a particular direction, humbling myself and picking a concentration that will push me academically and intellectually in an area that I've been scared to be good at - research, numbers, and stats. Although right now I'm in that state of mind where I am ready for this kind of challenge, I'm ready to be kicked in the ass or to work hard and get kicked in the ass. I sometimes wish I stuck it out with the sciences - which in Berkeley's case really kicked my ass - but I was able to truck through it and get a B- in the end of both of my short lived Berkeley science career. Those classes were some of the toughest B- I had to earn ever - I was not to get a C and refused to think I would get that.

La la la.

And it comes together.

Well said.

"Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment...'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us.' Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling."

25 years.

I feel doubt and fear as I approach the end of August - this is around the same time that I returned from Vietnam last year. I wonder where this sense of fear and doubt stems from especially when I really have not much to be scared of nor do I have nothing to doubt. It's all in my head. Don't be guided by fear. I guess I really have nothing to lose, I just have to focus and trust my instincts and my guts and whatever else is inside me. I've lost much of my ability to see my potential - my support network - those that saw the beauty in me are not around me anymore.

Be myself. Be who I can be. Be what it is that I was set out for. Focus on your talents. Focus on what you are good at. People like you for a reason. They find beauty in me - it's just so easy to get lost and disheartened by things when you aren't surrounded by people who see your potential. I don't get much encouragement at work. At work I am all on my own. In Los Angeles, I am all on my own. I haven't had anyone to process what happened to me in Vietnam and what happened to me in Berkeley, I don't have anyone but this blog of mine and a handful of close friends who are in distant cities and states.

What happened in the last 25 years?

My journey has been a short one and who knows when it will end. It's so difficult to be present here in America. I often feel uninspired and disconnected. Although I have had great moments in L.A. those that I won't forget. I want to get that freshness in my eyes again. I want to feel rested and ready for whatever is going to go my way. I want to be revitalized and energized to move forward in this life of mine. I want to gather my experiences together and really move towards a direction that is meaningful and makes me happy.

What keeps me energized and ready? Art. Laughter of friends. Recognition. Real love. Being a passenger. Public transportation. Potential. Writing. Colors. Patterns. Getting familiar with a city. Learning new things about myself. New lights.

I'm going to be okay.

My mind's been a bit tired.

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. Just various things and I'm battling all the forces around me with what feels like very little support. I had such a close group of friends and people that made me feel so alive in Vietnam. I often wonder why is it that I want to go to graduate school. It seems like it's the next logical step for me, to continue my education. I'm scared of the price - but at the same time price didn't stop me from going to Berkeley and I landed there.

Summers in Los Angeles are hot. Summers in Ontario, CA are even hotter. The feeling of airconditioning is still nice especially in my office. Where I sit in my office I have no windows so it kills me. I don't have a sense of what time it is outside. In Vietnam when it rained I could see outside. When it rained I could take a brake and stare out. In Vietnam the front doors were large and had large windows on them. Summers here feel unbearable because I have to get into my non-airconditioned car to get home and it's hot. I've learned that parking my car in the shade is your best bet. For some reason, I dealt with the heat in Vietnam so well - there was no escaping it. For some reason, heat here feels really uncomfortable. Perhaps I have forgotten what the heat feels like in Vietnam. Perhaps I have just plain forgotten.

It's been a year today since I've returned from Vietnam. A mother fuckin' year.

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I want to find support but in order to do that I need to make it known that I need that support and want that mentorship.

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happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.