I like jumping off waterfalls.

She looks down because looking up may mean that she will see the blue hues not as how she intended it to be. She realizes that the possibility of giving up is probable but unlikely to happen. Relishing in moments of rising fears, her heart hears her breathe. Steady but heavy. Steady. But heavy. Heavy. She holds her breath. Pinches her nose so the water doesn't come in. Breathe. Steady. Leap.


This is one of my favorite things I have ever written. It recounts the moment that I jumped off a cliff in Luang Prabang, Laos and how scared I was. The color I recall was one of the most beautiful shades I've ever seen.  When will you see a shade of blue that encompasses curiosity, wonder and calmness all at once? This very kind gentleman with a rather melting kindness helped me overcome my fears. He saw that I wanted to jump but was scared. My coworker also saw that he saw that I wanted to jump so she blurted in her limited English something along the lines of "she wants to jump!" 


He tells me to follow him and so I do. 


First we do the rope jump off the tree. He holds my hand as I climb up the tree. The jump hurt as fuck.


Then he asked if I wanted to jump off the cliff.


I don't know.
I'll do it first and you'll see. 


So he jumps for me. He jumps for me so I could be less scared. He tells me that the cliff is slippery so I should be careful. I hold this stranger's hand - surprised by his kindness.


I'm much taller than you, and see I don't even hit the ground. You'll be fine.


So I stand there. I breathe. The moments before jumping made me write the sentences above. And I jump. Then I jump again and again and again running on an adrenaline rush. I was so happy. 


I stand on the side shivering. He comes to say goodbye and tell me that he saw that I was jumping like crazy! He smiles knowing what he helped me do. He then walks away and winks goodbye to me and I never see him again.




I just want to thank all the wonderful friends and people in my life that constantly help me overcome my fears. That constantly see the beauty in me. That believe in me. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. I want to give up sometimes, but I am reminded always by your presence and spirits. I've learned that life will not get easier. It's just going to be like this. Full of ups and downs. I'll never feel settled. I'll probably never feel at peace - I'll save that for when I pass. 


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I wonder what happens when I can tap into my writing at any given time. Perhaps I can train my brain to do so. Perhaps I will be that story teller after all.


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Where has all the color gone?


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Do you still dream in colors? I do. Always.