Yesterday, to be exact, I started freaking out about my graduate school applications (before I even started) and began to have a huge feeling of doubt. My grades aren't that great. My GRE scores are alright, I don't have a good professor letter of rec, and ultimately the biggest statement of doubt, "I feel stupid."
I freaked out, wished someone was there to hug me and believe in me (although even with that I know won't really do much good in the long run), and then sat up in my bed and got a tissue because I needed to calm down. Then I remembered the young girls that I met in Vietnam that didn't believe in themselves, and I thought to myself how silly of me to think the same thing. How easy it was for me to think the same thing, and after all, I've graduated from a top University, was Salutatorian of my high school, have a full time job in Los Angeles, and lastly, live in America. Ridiculous how doubt can consume a person and make me think that I'm not capable of or that my existence sucks. I'm not saying this feeling isn't within me still, grad school is a scary process. One that I avoided last year because I wanted to focus on finding a job. Another day, another monster.
At the end of September I will get the opportunity to go to Chicago to speak at my work's Affiliate conference called the "Advancing Justice Conference." Afterwards I will travel to New York, Boston, Washington D.C. and Baltimore.
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With my book shelf up and my desk in useful condition, I've settled into my room quiet nicely and it's now comfortable - for the most part.
31 August, 2012
30 August, 2012
Womp.
On another note I paid for trafficking ticket that was well over $500 yesterday. That hurt. It was because I decided to gun a yellow while it was turning red - as a result I pretty much ran a red and a police man was right there to catch me. I was a block away from work.
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I think the spirits or Universe are on my side. I've been doing lots of grad school research but have had the help of wonderful people who are willing to give me advice, some who I haven't even had the chance to meet in person yet. I think I'm going in a particular direction, humbling myself and picking a concentration that will push me academically and intellectually in an area that I've been scared to be good at - research, numbers, and stats. Although right now I'm in that state of mind where I am ready for this kind of challenge, I'm ready to be kicked in the ass or to work hard and get kicked in the ass. I sometimes wish I stuck it out with the sciences - which in Berkeley's case really kicked my ass - but I was able to truck through it and get a B- in the end of both of my short lived Berkeley science career. Those classes were some of the toughest B- I had to earn ever - I was not to get a C and refused to think I would get that.
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I think the spirits or Universe are on my side. I've been doing lots of grad school research but have had the help of wonderful people who are willing to give me advice, some who I haven't even had the chance to meet in person yet. I think I'm going in a particular direction, humbling myself and picking a concentration that will push me academically and intellectually in an area that I've been scared to be good at - research, numbers, and stats. Although right now I'm in that state of mind where I am ready for this kind of challenge, I'm ready to be kicked in the ass or to work hard and get kicked in the ass. I sometimes wish I stuck it out with the sciences - which in Berkeley's case really kicked my ass - but I was able to truck through it and get a B- in the end of both of my short lived Berkeley science career. Those classes were some of the toughest B- I had to earn ever - I was not to get a C and refused to think I would get that.
23 August, 2012
Well said.
"Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment...'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us.' Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling."
22 August, 2012
25 years.
I feel doubt and fear as I approach the end of August - this is around the same time that I returned from Vietnam last year. I wonder where this sense of fear and doubt stems from especially when I really have not much to be scared of nor do I have nothing to doubt. It's all in my head. Don't be guided by fear. I guess I really have nothing to lose, I just have to focus and trust my instincts and my guts and whatever else is inside me. I've lost much of my ability to see my potential - my support network - those that saw the beauty in me are not around me anymore.
Be myself. Be who I can be. Be what it is that I was set out for. Focus on your talents. Focus on what you are good at. People like you for a reason. They find beauty in me - it's just so easy to get lost and disheartened by things when you aren't surrounded by people who see your potential. I don't get much encouragement at work. At work I am all on my own. In Los Angeles, I am all on my own. I haven't had anyone to process what happened to me in Vietnam and what happened to me in Berkeley, I don't have anyone but this blog of mine and a handful of close friends who are in distant cities and states.
What happened in the last 25 years?
My journey has been a short one and who knows when it will end. It's so difficult to be present here in America. I often feel uninspired and disconnected. Although I have had great moments in L.A. those that I won't forget. I want to get that freshness in my eyes again. I want to feel rested and ready for whatever is going to go my way. I want to be revitalized and energized to move forward in this life of mine. I want to gather my experiences together and really move towards a direction that is meaningful and makes me happy.
What keeps me energized and ready? Art. Laughter of friends. Recognition. Real love. Being a passenger. Public transportation. Potential. Writing. Colors. Patterns. Getting familiar with a city. Learning new things about myself. New lights.
I'm going to be okay.
Be myself. Be who I can be. Be what it is that I was set out for. Focus on your talents. Focus on what you are good at. People like you for a reason. They find beauty in me - it's just so easy to get lost and disheartened by things when you aren't surrounded by people who see your potential. I don't get much encouragement at work. At work I am all on my own. In Los Angeles, I am all on my own. I haven't had anyone to process what happened to me in Vietnam and what happened to me in Berkeley, I don't have anyone but this blog of mine and a handful of close friends who are in distant cities and states.
What happened in the last 25 years?
My journey has been a short one and who knows when it will end. It's so difficult to be present here in America. I often feel uninspired and disconnected. Although I have had great moments in L.A. those that I won't forget. I want to get that freshness in my eyes again. I want to feel rested and ready for whatever is going to go my way. I want to be revitalized and energized to move forward in this life of mine. I want to gather my experiences together and really move towards a direction that is meaningful and makes me happy.
What keeps me energized and ready? Art. Laughter of friends. Recognition. Real love. Being a passenger. Public transportation. Potential. Writing. Colors. Patterns. Getting familiar with a city. Learning new things about myself. New lights.
I'm going to be okay.
21 August, 2012
My mind's been a bit tired.
I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. Just various things and I'm battling all the forces around me with what feels like very little support. I had such a close group of friends and people that made me feel so alive in Vietnam. I often wonder why is it that I want to go to graduate school. It seems like it's the next logical step for me, to continue my education. I'm scared of the price - but at the same time price didn't stop me from going to Berkeley and I landed there.
Summers in Los Angeles are hot. Summers in Ontario, CA are even hotter. The feeling of airconditioning is still nice especially in my office. Where I sit in my office I have no windows so it kills me. I don't have a sense of what time it is outside. In Vietnam when it rained I could see outside. When it rained I could take a brake and stare out. In Vietnam the front doors were large and had large windows on them. Summers here feel unbearable because I have to get into my non-airconditioned car to get home and it's hot. I've learned that parking my car in the shade is your best bet. For some reason, I dealt with the heat in Vietnam so well - there was no escaping it. For some reason, heat here feels really uncomfortable. Perhaps I have forgotten what the heat feels like in Vietnam. Perhaps I have just plain forgotten.
It's been a year today since I've returned from Vietnam. A mother fuckin' year.
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I want to find support but in order to do that I need to make it known that I need that support and want that mentorship.
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happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.
Summers in Los Angeles are hot. Summers in Ontario, CA are even hotter. The feeling of airconditioning is still nice especially in my office. Where I sit in my office I have no windows so it kills me. I don't have a sense of what time it is outside. In Vietnam when it rained I could see outside. When it rained I could take a brake and stare out. In Vietnam the front doors were large and had large windows on them. Summers here feel unbearable because I have to get into my non-airconditioned car to get home and it's hot. I've learned that parking my car in the shade is your best bet. For some reason, I dealt with the heat in Vietnam so well - there was no escaping it. For some reason, heat here feels really uncomfortable. Perhaps I have forgotten what the heat feels like in Vietnam. Perhaps I have just plain forgotten.
It's been a year today since I've returned from Vietnam. A mother fuckin' year.
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I want to find support but in order to do that I need to make it known that I need that support and want that mentorship.
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happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.
20 August, 2012
Just browsing.
"...poetry and music can create an "altered state of consciousness" and that some form of altered consciousness is needed to awaken an individual to the reality of who he or she "really" is and what that self consists in." [source]
Lately, I have been having these meandering thoughts that travel to who knows where. The other day a friend welcomed me to the "quarter life crisis." I disagreed but kept it to myself. I'm not an argumentative, conflict type of person because winning to me is not an end. As a result there is no point in winning for the sake of being "correct" because there isn't really a way to be correct in such a complex world.
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Thank you Universe for being kind to me this past week.
Lately, I have been having these meandering thoughts that travel to who knows where. The other day a friend welcomed me to the "quarter life crisis." I disagreed but kept it to myself. I'm not an argumentative, conflict type of person because winning to me is not an end. As a result there is no point in winning for the sake of being "correct" because there isn't really a way to be correct in such a complex world.
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Thank you Universe for being kind to me this past week.
12 August, 2012
Sunday stuck.
An overwhelming sense of feeling stuck struck me today on this Sunday of mine. I don't know what my dreams are. I don't remember what they are. On this Sunday of mine this is how I feel even though I know it's not true. I know that my thoughts right now are not really the truth. This is a battle that I am faced with everyday. The Truths vs. Thoughts. I know that if I focus my energy into things I produce - I get what I am seeking. Except garnering this energy takes much out of me. My work takes a lot out of me since I have to interact with many people, adults, youth and children alike. It's because when I interact with people, I see who they are, I feel who they are and hundreds of thoughts run through me in relation to who I am as a person. I think about my interactions with them, who they were and are, and why they think and communicate the way they do.
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Just be.
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Sunday bloody sunday.
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Unusual rant:
Helping people is not a fad. I get really annoyed by the anti-human trafficking fad things - it's similar to the pink ribbon breast cancer fad. Look fashionable, feel good about yourself. I was walking at an open fair and there was a booth. Buy this and help trafficked victims in Cambodia. I spent two years in the border regions of Vietnam. Don't tell me that buying your overpriced fucking bracelet will help those girls because it won't. It will only make you feel good, they probably will only see a portion of their dollar. Who they are is commodified into a fucking bracelet. Your understanding of what human trafficking really is confined to materialistic things. Trafficking is a byproduct of what is wrong with this world. Trafficking happens when children are not loved. When insecurities manifest themselves as hate. When goodness is trampled for what it is. When people don't become people. When compassion is missing. When empathy is made fun of. When showing love and caring and sympathy for someone is embarrassing. Fuck your bracelet. Feel good about yourself but then continue your closed mind. I held the bracelet and looked at the other items made by third world women in this world. I thought it silly that they would market this product as something that is made by a third world woman when almost everything we have was probably touched or put together by a third world woman. The chili you are eating. The clothes you buy. The food we eat. Everything. I know first hand how clothing is made - each piece goes through the hand of a woman. Each seam, each thread. I know.
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I think moving from city to city to city helps me face my fears. It's a bit addicting you see, this moving and moving and moving. In a new place, no one knows me, and I know no one. You see, this is how I face my fears because I am a homebody. I know myself. I am a homebody and heavily rely on people to be. I'm also a scaredy cat when it comes to life. How unfortunate that is, how unfortunate it is to let fear be a factor. Is it unfortunate? Perhaps not, you see, I realize that I am scared and that I have fears, while I have days where it eats at me, I have days where I reflect back and think to myself like "hell yeah, I overcame that shit" Those are my thoughts - to put into words how I feel is so difficult. Sometimes when I stare at things and zone out, I feel as though I
07 August, 2012
Quiet confidence.
She doesn't know the difference. She doesn't know the difference between the lines that crack cement and the lines that draw boundaries. She doesn't know the difference between the shadows that linger and the shadows that loom. She doesn't know the difference between the sadness that tightens and the sadness that breaks. She doesn't know the difference between the elated kind of happiness and the seeping heavy kind of happiness. She doesn't need to know the difference.
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My life is about putting the pieces together. Just as my life seems to be a compilation of things in my life, my things are a compilation of my life. From the seamstresses, the fabric, the ink, the steam, the dust, the noises, the posters, the machines, the paper, the drawer, the women, the trains, the subway, the buses, the movements of buildings, the people, the country. It's about me taking these things and making them my own. It's about taking those faded memories and making them my own. It's about making them my own because they were once not mine. Because along my lifeline they were taken away from me. My country was taken away from me - throwing a generation of children into a fabric of opportunities or misopportunities.
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My life is about putting the pieces together. Just as my life seems to be a compilation of things in my life, my things are a compilation of my life. From the seamstresses, the fabric, the ink, the steam, the dust, the noises, the posters, the machines, the paper, the drawer, the women, the trains, the subway, the buses, the movements of buildings, the people, the country. It's about me taking these things and making them my own. It's about taking those faded memories and making them my own. It's about making them my own because they were once not mine. Because along my lifeline they were taken away from me. My country was taken away from me - throwing a generation of children into a fabric of opportunities or misopportunities.
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