Where have I placed my map?

I seem to understand that life is this ever flowing energy that can flow in all different directions. Like a river, the flow of a river is uncontrollable and will flow wherever it wants to flow. It will crush through man made constructions, push down trees, and make its own path. Make its own path. At the same time it will carry life with it and will be more alive than you could ever be.

I woke up this morning to the thought that each person on earth is going through a battle if not multiple. Life is a battle. It's the delicate balance of external and internal forces. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. The Hurt. I'm pretty much going through this battle everyday. Somedays I just get sleepy or want to do something mindless so that I can deal with what's going on inside and outside. Somedays I'm in the zone, I'm in my empty house, and I'm Good.

That empty house.

I'm trying to find that empty house. That empty house that puts me at ease. Only an empty house can do so. An empty house that I can dance in, that I can sing in that I can whole heartedly be myself in. The empty house that doesn't make me nervous or anxious. The empty house that puts me in a good place. The empty house that allows me to be creative, allows my dreams to surface, allows me to be who I am at the core. The empty house that doesn't judge. The empty house that is all mine that I can make my own with no external forces changing my mind.

Contradictions on a Sunday (with a cup of coffee)

One of my current favorite words is "resilience." I don't know the exact definition but I've been able to witness this characteristic in the people of Vietnam and my family in the last three years. Resilience. I would equate the word to "undying strength" or the "ability to overcome difficulty" or perhaps "the ability to come out stronger, brighter despite darkness" or "the ability to stay gold, to hold onto one's core" And while I see people's resilience, their goodness, sometimes I have trouble in trying to make others realize it. Sadly, I began to realize that resilience is not easy to see and not everyone can see it or choose to see it. Instead part of the world is obsessed with what is at the surface, a part of the world remains judgmental, degrading, and finds their self worth in others opinions.

I've had this conversation with friends, and while I know people are complex, that what we see is not what really is, sometimes you must complain, sometimes you gotta just say it as it is and sometimes you just can't be the observer anymore. People who find their self worth manifested in materialistic objects must feel so empty. Yet, I know it's not easy to bring this up to people and it may go something like this:

Look at my purse, it's blah blah blah money.
And?
But it's the newest line and blah blah blah.
Okay...

Growing up I devalued my self worth. I did not believe myself to be worthy of whatever it is that I so deserved. As a child, we are consistently being told that we are not enough, we are not cool and so thought this that it took me years to overcome it. Perhaps this is why I am so vent on trying to figure out how I can make people realize their own potential and to overcome any internalized hatred they have towards themselves. This is not an easy matter. You can't just tell someone to get over it. You just can't tell people that yeah, you should get over your internalized hatred and have that be the solutions. Step one is the realization. Step two is the awareness. The next steps towards change or transformation, towards actualization is uncountable and everyone goes through a different path - this much I know. Finally, before I can even work on helping others realize their full potential I must work on mine constantly. This delicate balance is what so "tires" me.

The beauty is to realize that life is about this process, this uncountable process of change and difficulty, of contradictions and embarrassment, of risks and successes. At this point in time, this is what life is to me.

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connect the dots now, ya' hear.

Weekend practice.

His breath slows to a steady pace. Unsure of which direction to turn he takes a second to settle into the idleness that surrounds him. You would think that the mundane familiarity of the suburbs would guide him - but it doesn't. The lines blur. 

---

Suffice it to say: Sleepy Saturdays are nice.

Where have you gone? I ask. 

They tell me they've never left.

---

Energy is never lost.

---

I'm halfway to heaven and I don't know if it's where I'm meant to go.

and I don't know where to go. This house has changed so much since I grew.
and I don't know what to do. My heart is pacing back and forth. 

---

I'm not tired. I tell people I'm tired but I'm not really tired. Secretly I know it's something else and to be frank I don't know what it is.  I feel like I'm trying to control the uncontrollable or perhaps I am trying to make sense of it. Tired is just not the right word.

Time to start the process.

7 days into July I find myself in recovery from the month of June. I find it funny because all this time I realized that the Universe does listen to me. I'm sorry. I realized it's only when I ask, when I genuinely truly ask from the bottom of my heart does it listen to me. I don't mean to ask through uttered words or questions, but to subconsciously really ask. I realized that each time I asked for something it required a great deal of energy from my behalf. It required sadness and vulnerability, rejection and risk. L.A.'s wanted me for a long time. It's been waiting for my return or perhaps my arrival.

I'm going to ask it another question soon. Something about my future paths that I will take, particularly next August. I hope it to take me on another adventure to push me ways that I didn't think possible for me to step out of my fears and to live life passionately and wholesome. My friend said that finding that niche takes time, authors can write hundreds and hundreds of papers before they find that idea for their next book. What is that idea you want to pursue Kim? Why academics? What is it that you want to prove? What is it that you want to do and how does a particular graduate school program do that for you?

You are worthy and any school would be lucky to have you. If the school doesn't want you then it just isn't the right fit, not a reflection of your self worth. So what school will make me feel my self worth? What will make my self worth grow?

These are the questions that are facing me as July comes on by and I want to be in the right state of mind to think about these things. I want to make time for myself. Selfishly for myself to reflect and think about these things. You know when you pull an tension string and it vibrates back and forth? I've felt that way for the last year or so. It's almost been a year since I've returned and still the memories, the friendships, the relationships, the emotions linger of my experience there.

Now that time and money is my own, what tools do I need to successfully or more easily bring me there?

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Of course the latter option is that I can also just be. Silly human thoughts on a Sunday. I won't know the answers until I read them.

Only the fool stares at the finger that points at the sky.

Put your worries on the shelf and learn to love yourself.

Idleness.

How I miss it. Realizing what is in front of you rather than anything else. I understood this in Vietnam to such an extent that it was so very a part of my life. To realize what is in front of you and to take hold of it. At the same time it was good to dream. It was good to dream what was possible because if I kept looking at what was in front of me it would make me sad. Slowly though I realized what was in front of me was really beautiful it was undoubtedly resilient and something that I could never be. I try to find the beauty of everything that surrounds me, the difficult task is for others to realize it without it exhausting me.

Trying to maintain my sense of self while letting go. I really need to take care of myself. While I would say that the month of June was good to me, I let go of my health and eating right. I haven't jogged in a long time and will return to it soon. Last night my friend Patricia called me and one of the things she said was that "we are both so beautiful!" I laughed because this was such a simple statement but it has taken me 25 years to truly realize it. 

I asked myself this morning, what was it that I enjoyed. If I have the money what would I do. Lately I've been getting my paycheck stubs and not even thinking twice about it. My mind drew a blank. I've been so "work busy" this past two months that I haven't really rewarded myself. What would I do to reward myself for my hard work? What would I do to bring my vision to the surface? 

Personally I think I would work on my blog and writing more. I would do a better job of getting my photos up and organizing them. I know I'm a creative individual that can create things. Perhaps that is it, my creativity has been put on a hold. I have been trying to please others, to get to know others that I forgot who I was at my core. This is not to say that I haven't had a great time. In fact, I think it's been such a fun month I will remember it fondly. But the idleness, how I miss the creativity that surfaces during the idleness.