And am again writing at my old blog address, here.
Thanks for reading.
23 June, 2013
19 June, 2013
Facebook is quite the invention.
Don't you think? I spend hours looking at it, and it makes me so sad. It's a pathetic replacement for friendships and what it means to connect with people.
It's interesting how much time each one of us spends on it. It demonstrates what we yearn. Acceptance, love, and connection. Acceptance in the form of likes, love in the form of messages, comments, and tags and connection in the form newsfeed. One day I was having dinner with my roommate and brother from college, while we hadn't seen each other for a good minute, we recounted and spoke of each others life's happenings and listened as if we were present. Facebook and Instagram enabled us to connect while cities apart.
Strange. I leave tomorrow morning for Baltimore so I'm nervously typing away into the night.
---
To love all the pieces of me, will probably take a lifetime.
But that's okay, I'm in it for the ride.
Taking the opportunity to reach into the depths.
Guess I'll leap.
---
It's interesting how much time each one of us spends on it. It demonstrates what we yearn. Acceptance, love, and connection. Acceptance in the form of likes, love in the form of messages, comments, and tags and connection in the form newsfeed. One day I was having dinner with my roommate and brother from college, while we hadn't seen each other for a good minute, we recounted and spoke of each others life's happenings and listened as if we were present. Facebook and Instagram enabled us to connect while cities apart.
Strange. I leave tomorrow morning for Baltimore so I'm nervously typing away into the night.
---
To love all the pieces of me, will probably take a lifetime.
But that's okay, I'm in it for the ride.
Taking the opportunity to reach into the depths.
Guess I'll leap.
---
09 June, 2013
Life's fuckin' tough.
The other day my coworker was talking about how in our lives we have pillars that keep us sane. Pillars include Family, Significant other, Home, Work (stability), etc. When those pillars are broken they cause us to be unstable.
Lately violence has been really hitting me hard in the face. Fortunately figuratively. This past month I experienced violence on a level never before imagined right next door in my neighborhood. I hope the young boy in the middle of it all finds peace in heaven. It's stirred a level of vulnerability I am not sure how to deal with.
My immediate instinct to worry. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about whether you like me. I worry about whether things will disrupt my future. I worry about grades. I worry about your happiness. I worry about whether you feel comfortable. All I do is worry and because of the trauma that happened to me, this worrying is heightened to a level that is distracting me from my ability to focus on my daily tasks. I worry for what it means for me to be involved. For it to happen so close to me and for me to have heard what I heard. A sense of panic and sadness overcomes me. Why me? Why did it happen to me?
I immediately focus on the things that are out of my control. I want to control the uncontrollable and I feel helpless. I just don't know what it means. I worry worry worry when really I have nothing to worry about at the present time. I feel panic. If it comes it comes, if it happens it happens. I must prepare myself mentally to be ready for what is to come and it's just so hard because I don't know what's going to happen. I just keep thinking of the worst case scenario which includes me dropping out of grad school and being in a tremendous amount of debt with all my hard hard work going down the drain, my future in pieces.
Of course this is most likely not to happen. It's the worst case scenario and my mind immediately focuses on it. I am safe and alive - that's what's really important. I have people who love me, who tell me they love me, and I am supported, fed, and protected. I was so lucky and fortunate that I was not injured or hurt. It's been really really really hard trying to deal with it all.
This makes my breakup in April even more difficult. I think about him constantly and it is perhaps because he was such a crucial pillar in my life and then suddenly he's gone. His texts, his skype, his calls are just gone. I've thought numerous times that I want to contact him to hear his comforting voice, for him to care, love and protect me during my vulnerability.
On top of this, I am moving to Baltimore for an intense graduate school program. Where I will be without my pillars, where I will be in a new place with new people with new everything.
Whew. LIFE. Honestly.
---
Focus on the beauty.
Lately violence has been really hitting me hard in the face. Fortunately figuratively. This past month I experienced violence on a level never before imagined right next door in my neighborhood. I hope the young boy in the middle of it all finds peace in heaven. It's stirred a level of vulnerability I am not sure how to deal with.
My immediate instinct to worry. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about whether you like me. I worry about whether things will disrupt my future. I worry about grades. I worry about your happiness. I worry about whether you feel comfortable. All I do is worry and because of the trauma that happened to me, this worrying is heightened to a level that is distracting me from my ability to focus on my daily tasks. I worry for what it means for me to be involved. For it to happen so close to me and for me to have heard what I heard. A sense of panic and sadness overcomes me. Why me? Why did it happen to me?
I immediately focus on the things that are out of my control. I want to control the uncontrollable and I feel helpless. I just don't know what it means. I worry worry worry when really I have nothing to worry about at the present time. I feel panic. If it comes it comes, if it happens it happens. I must prepare myself mentally to be ready for what is to come and it's just so hard because I don't know what's going to happen. I just keep thinking of the worst case scenario which includes me dropping out of grad school and being in a tremendous amount of debt with all my hard hard work going down the drain, my future in pieces.
Of course this is most likely not to happen. It's the worst case scenario and my mind immediately focuses on it. I am safe and alive - that's what's really important. I have people who love me, who tell me they love me, and I am supported, fed, and protected. I was so lucky and fortunate that I was not injured or hurt. It's been really really really hard trying to deal with it all.
This makes my breakup in April even more difficult. I think about him constantly and it is perhaps because he was such a crucial pillar in my life and then suddenly he's gone. His texts, his skype, his calls are just gone. I've thought numerous times that I want to contact him to hear his comforting voice, for him to care, love and protect me during my vulnerability.
On top of this, I am moving to Baltimore for an intense graduate school program. Where I will be without my pillars, where I will be in a new place with new people with new everything.
Whew. LIFE. Honestly.
---
Focus on the beauty.
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