Whew.

Life's been getting the best of me lately. I haven't really been able to catch my breath per say but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing much and can be doing more. I am understanding that there will be no time for breathing. So right now I need to soak things in as they go, have a good rest and sleep at night, and just enjoy what is presently in front of me. My relationship with my boyfriend has made me realize that I have so many things to overcome and face. I still have much to learn. I trust him and he has a huge heart, I wish I was a better person towards him and communicated better. Better, what a funny word. Trust is a big deal to me. I don't trust people easily, like really trust them or perhaps trust myself with them, especially men.

Lately, things, the simple things feel really tough to do. I've been complaining that being an adult is tough. By simple things, I mean cooking and cleaning up after myself. Worrying or thinking about money. Those simple things that I didn't really have to think of before. Things like my future. When I was in Vietnam time seemed a bit suspended, or less finite. It floated and I floated with it, just as the people did. Here everything is timed. Our work is timed. Our life goals are timed. Everything is timed to a calendar, an hour, and even seconds.

I can now do push ups. I could not do them before, and last week my trainer had us do 8 push ups or so and I trucked through them. I paused and stopped but I did them. Perhaps it was because I now understood the correct way to do push ups. I have been working out once a week since late last year and I really enjoy it. I don't regret doing it although I feel sore for a day or two - it feels good and makes me feel good.

Will. My will to do things is being tested quite much. My will to love, my will to accomplish things, my will to excel, and my will to advance myself and move forward into another direction. I feel that my will is very much tested. In the end I know it will be worth it. In the end, it won't really matter any more because it's the end.

I wish I had more energy to do things. Perhaps it's because I've been running on whatever little energy I have, instead of building who I am on the inside - I've been doing lots of external things. External stimulus. When I get home I do myself worse by looking at facebook for hours and trying to engage my mind into mindless stimuli that is status updates that show off how great other people's lives are, articles about horrible things that are going on in the world, and tv shows that remove me from my present time and into a world of unshakable comrade.

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Recently my friend had a baby, another friend dealt with death, another was sad because they did not like where they lived, another was thinking about career changes, another added on an additional degree, another this and another that and another.

I wonder if growing up means that your brain is fully developed and you understand the world in a different context. No longer am I that fresh-eyed early 20's youthful something but instead I feel like a seasoned mid-20's gal who now needs to make decisions and pay for things and take care of myself myself.

What fills your heart?

What makes you feel full? What makes you feel overly satisfied? What makes you go "mmmm"? What makes you feel warm? What makes you feel giddy? What makes you feel nervous? What makes you feel excited? What makes you feel?

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Sometimes I stare at him and wonder if I can ever truly love. Then I begin to wonder if love is something that is innate or something that is built. Such a fleeting imaginary or real thing that we talk about or want to feel at all times. We cry because of love. We laugh because of love. And we do and feel all these crazy things for whatever the fuck love is. The first letter of that three word sentence is I.

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What is going on?

Too tired to think.

I can be creative with the tools provided for me.

I've learned a few things about myself in the last 25 years. I have halfway through my quarter century year, you would think I would.

Slowly becoming clearer.

"I'm getting older every day,

but everything still feels new."

Truth from a good friend of mine.

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Trying to wrap my brain around this.

Life is still going on as it did when I first arrived on earth. What is shifting is my understanding of it and how I interact with the world.